When writing car ads, some people lie about how nice the car is, some lie about how many miles are on the car, others don’t really describe anything at all.  Then there are the real gems.  The entertaining, the poetic, the brilliant.  Hit the jump for the complete text of this pulitzer-worthy craigslist entry.

I can see the back of the car from here! Ha ha, just kidding.

“I have this smooth hip hoping reggaeton 1970 Lincoln Continental Mark 111 beach line cruiser. With new fat new brakes lady loving master cylinder kick ass fast cranking starter never sleeping alternator, spark plugs that will light you up and 5 new rocken rolling tires that’s pluss the spare if you end up hungry and need a doughnut cuz you will get pulled over in this if your not riding fat The miles are an original virgin 67566.I have loved this car but it wants to leave my sober girl’s side. this car and I have put A lot of papen touch ups in to it rides low and handles women like other ride is suppose to. But I can not afford to keep it. Because I have two other lady loving vehicles and two chamacos. If you have any lines you need filled mark me! or computer transfer me your questions!It’s a befitted make you fill the luxury ride the Mark III was sumptuously equipped with Everything was power: steering, brakes, windows, headlamps, and one fat front seats. The instrument panel and trim panels on the doors featured simulated woody appliques in either English/spanish Oak or East-Indian Rosewood. After a few months, a Cartier-branded clock took pride of place among the funky instruments. The upholstery was expertly done, either the standard vinyl with cloth inserts, or the optional leather.If you can’t touch me on my cell leave me a message and or text (801)739-2824”

Ok, it’s not the perfect ad text, but add a couple dozen puntuation marks and it would be.  How can you pass on this car?  I mean it has a lady-lovin’ master cylinder.  How it could want to leave his sober girl’s side, I just don’t know.

Click for the ad

Some may argue that the car itself is a work of art, but nothing in comparison to this sentence: “After a few months, a Cartier-branded clock took pride of place among the funky instruments.”

One of the funky instruments

My advice to you is to make like the Lincoln’s alternator and don’t sleep on this one.  I wonder if the seller speaks in the same prose as he writes?  I dearly hope so.

 It’s possible the writer used an online translator to craft this masterpiece, which makes it all the more impressive.  Someone please buy this lady lovin’ Lincoln!